Friday, March 28, 2008 — A Social Nightmare Site


Please note that this is a satirical posting and is in no way meant to frighten the horses or scare small children. Nor is it intended to sexually excite the immature or encourage politicians to do whatever it is that politicians do. is an online service that allows our members to set up unique personal profiles that can be linked together to allow extraordinary hook ups. MyFaceInYourSpace members can get their faces in each others’ spaces through sharing details of their personal lives and unmet desires that simply cannot be talked about in the office.

MyFaceInYourSpace cares deeply about your online privacy. Trained monkeys and sophisticated algorithms ensure that you will receive only email catering to your particular perversities, special needs, and inexpressible desires and longings. MyFaceInYourSpace is used by caring professionals to locate clients who cannot find partners for free. These professionals are, well, very professional. For reasons of legal liability, that’s all MyFaceInYourSpace should say about them.

The satisfaction of your peculiar personal tastes is important to MyFaceInYourSpace. If all you want are nappy-headed hoes, please don’t waste server time, just consult Don Imus. He has the inside track on their whereabouts. If you want some of that high-priced tat, Eliot Spitzer can steer you in the right direction.

Profile Setup

Basic Personal Information

I am
•a little bit of both (until the operation is successful)
•a dog (neutered/spayed)
•a dog (intact)
•let me check (ooh, that feels good!)

I am
•young enough to have never heard of Jon Benet Ramsay
•young enough to be a child bride in India
•old enough to fuck, but too young to drink
•just right (same as above)
•old enough to drink with Rupert Murdoch
•Rupert Murdoch
•Bill Clinton
•old enough to know better

I am
•recently divorced
•filing divorce papers tomorrow
•married but was drunk at the time
•mad at my spouse/partner/significant other
•just out of jail (but I was nobody’s bitch!)

I am here for
•more sex
•kinky sex
•kinkier sex
•friends (sure, we believe you!)
•networking (aka group sex, that’s more like it!)

I am
•single heterosexual who isn’t getting any
•standard bisexual flip-flopper
•always horny and will fuck anything that moves
•I’ll try it with things that don’t move
•queer as hell and proud of it
•a goddamn liar

I like
•to be on top
•to be on the bottom
•it from behind
•face-to-face on the side
•to cuddle afterwards (do I have to own up to that here?)

Background & Interests

•I left in a hurry
•if I told you I’d have to kill myself
•if I told you I’d have to kill you
•I’m not really from there
•they’re still talking about me
•I’m still there, there’s not much else going on

•intelligent atheist
•dumb lazy atheist
•hypocritical fundamentalist Christian
•hypocritical fundamentalist Christian minister

•massage school graduate
•I wish
•some but can’t remember what

I wear
•a chastity belt (for fun)
•a chastity belt (my father would kill me if I didn’t)
•a chastity belt (to keep my father away from me)
•a hernia support belt
•a butt plug (only to prevent leakage, not for pleasure)


I smoke
•anything that gets me high
•only after sex
•if my partner’s breath is bad
•I just smoke

I drink
•only the finest wines and spirits
•whatever is on special at the corner store
•to make my partner look better
•I am drunk now

Children are
•best seen and not heard
•a nutritious breakfast snack
•the result of boringly traditional heterosexual behavior
•okay only if there are no grown-ups available
•my preferred sexual partners
•why I went to jail

My body type
•show me yours and I’ll show you mine
•I wish I was bulimic
•I wish I had one
•wouldn’t you like to know?

Anything Else We Should Know

I am
•pure as the driven snow
•perverted as a Catholic priest in Boston
•a refugee from the Playboy Club
•not sure
•willing to try anything

Special Issues
•I learnt everything I know about sex and relationships from Woody Allen movies
•I just have a woody
•I am a virgin and don’t know why I’m here
•The Feds made me an offer I couldn’t refuse
•I am here only to expose myself

I suffer from
•Tourette’s syndrome
•weak knees (but am still up for a good trembler)
•itchy scalp

I take
•all major credit cards
•Paypal only
•cash upfront only
•it anyway I can get it
•I don’t, I give it away for free
•I just take it.